Stars

To the girl who sitting on her window ledge,
wishing on a star
whose broken heart is almost frozen hard,
with tear filled, hazel eyes,
looking towards the skies,
wondering where it all went wrong.

Don’t despair sweetheart,
your time will come,
one day everything will fall into place and
no one,
will be able to wipe that smile off your face.

You’ll look up at same sky later,
see those stars twinkling away,
you’ll take a deep breath
and then so quietly, you’ll say
“Thank you.”

The sky will look the same but
everything will have changed.

If I could…

If I could tell my six year old self one thing
I would tell her that she needs to keep reading.

If I could tell my eleven year old self one thing
I would tell her that High school isn’t as scary as she thinks it is.

If I could tell my fourteen year old self one thing
I would tell her that she needs to pick something
that is going to improve her confidence.

If I could tell my fifteen year old self one thing
I would tell her that although the pain never
truly goes away, she will be okay.

If I could tell my sixteen year old self one thing
I would tell her that she as nothing to worry about.

If I could tell my seventeen year old self one thing
I would tell her that it isn’t going to work out but
that’s a good thing.

If I could tell my eighteen year old self one thing
I would tell her that she can do it and the results will
be worth it.

I suppose I would also tell her that things do not
work out how she wants as I think she would need an
extra reminder.

If I could tell my twenty year old self a few things
I would tell her to smile more.
I would tell her that she needs to remember that
first impressions count for a hell of a lot.
I would want to tell her to stop wasting her time
on something that will never work but I know that
she would never listen.
I would tell her that not everyone is the enemy,
some people just want to talk to her.

I would tell my twenty one year old self that she
CAN do it.
She can get through those four months when there is
almost no hope.

I would tell twenty two year old me,
that girl who seems so different to who I am now
that leaving behind that unsmiling, negativity filled
girl,
will be the best thing that she ever does.

What would I say to me now?

Well done!!!

Things I’m not bothered about anymore

1. My eyebrows not being p e r f e c t .

2. My stomach which isn’t flat.

3. My height.

4. My s m i l e .

5. The way that my cheeks look when I s m i l e .

6. The way that my hair looks when I don’t straighten it.

7. What you think.

~ These ‘imperfections’ you say I have actually make me my own kind of perfect.

Dear Me,

I don’t know how old you are when you’re reading this but I thought that you should know that you can do this; you can make it through and you will come out the other side. I know it seems like you’ve not had much luck for a long time but it will change. I know it hurts to hear right now but what you want to happen, won’t. What’s more is that you’ll be the one who makes the decision to leave. I know right now there seems like there is no way through but there is.

Those people whose text messages you always read second, start reading those ones first. They will help you see where your loyalties should lie. Something is going to happen and you’ll realise you don’t want to be stuck this way forever. You will realise that this is no way to live. You will cut out the toxicity and it’ll be easier than you think.

You’ll get over your anxieties about most things. You will be able to walk into a pub without feeling nervous. You will be able to invite yourself on nights out. You will get that job you want because you will graduate. Sure, things won’t happen in the order that you expect but it will be for the best. You can walk across the stage and you will wear that gown and mortarboard. You’ll hang your Degree classification on the wall.

You will fit in, you will make friends and they will be the kind you can count on and message anytime, knowing that they will respond. You will feel comfortable in your own skin. You’ll own being you. Someone will like the fact that you adore books, that you’re slightly geeky and can recite the Periodic Table. Someone will like you for being you.

Don’t be so adverse to change. Don’t change yourself for other people. Listen! Don’t overlook what’s right in front of you – if you do though, don’t be afraid to apologise for being an Ice Queen when the time comes. Trust me, the time will come. You can do this! I promise you; you will be able to be happy. It won’t all be heartache. You will learn how to smile and laugh again and friends will be a big part of that!

From

You.

~ It’s super easy for me to look back and see that two, even three years ago, I was a completely different person. I wasn’t happy and the people in my life were not the best for my frame of mind. They messed with my head and made me think that I wasn’t worth it unless I changed myself. I ignored the people that cared for me and I was so caught up on being noticed by the wrong person that I didn’t realise there was someone who was actually interested in me. I wrote this letter to me back then, saying all the things that I know she would want to hear, the things that she needed to hear.

Fifteen things that you should know about me

1. It used to be very hard to make me smile.

2. I only have one regret right now – that I had seen sense earlier.

3. It took me an hour to convince myself to message you.

4. I love learning new things.

5. I love taking selfies but I hate the way that I look.

6. Three months ago I made a very tough decision.

7. I am a sucker for romance even though my face won’t show it.

8. I actually get butterflies when I see that I have a message from you.

9. It feels like until now I have had seven years bad luck.

10. Reading is my escape from reality, sometimes I struggle to come back.

11. I want to ask you out but I can’t find the right words.

12. When I’m nervous I walk absolute rubbish.

12. When I’m comfortable with you I’ll talk and talk and talk.

13. I’m getting better at not being so cynical.

14. I don’t want you to think I’m an Ice Queen so ii’m trying my best to replace your first impression of me. I’m sure it was awful.

14. I’m sorry I’m such an idiot and couldn’t see what was staring me in the face.

15. I’m in a happy place right now and part of that is down to you.

Today

Today,

I woke up and it’s like

Something

Has clicked

In my mind.

It’s like the fog has l i f t e d.

Spring has sprung and I’ve come to my senses

All at once.

Today,

I looked in the mirror

And I noticed that

My eyes had their

S p a r k le

Back.

Now I remember why my eyes are

My f a v o u r i t e

Part of myself.

Today,

My cheeks hurt

Because I’d smiled so much.

It’s a good kind of hurt though because

For the first time in a long time I wasn’t painting a smile on.

It came n a t u r a l l y.

Today,

I didn’t worry about straightening my hair; I let

My mess of curls

Create a mane around my face.

Framing my sparkling eyes and

Wide smile

Better than any filter on Snapchat ever could.

Today

I went for my pale lipstick

Rather than

Bright red.

Today I heard myself laugh.

Like properly

L a u g h i n g

So hard that I snorted.

I didn’t even care that three people turned around

To stare at me.

Today,

I picked up a pen and

Started p l a n n i n g

A new novel then

I wrote a poem

Then another one just because I could.

Today,

I didn’t get that sinking feeling

In my chest

That I’d had every morning

Since I could remember.

Today

Today I realised

I’m back to feeling like

M e.

– So, I’m back to being the person I was before. Before I got myself into what seemed like an impossible situation for so long. I don’t even know when it clicked that I needed to make a change but I am so so glad that it did. I have honestly never felt happier about the way that my life is going. I found the strength to smile and laugh after so long of feeling like it would never happen. It hasn’t been easy to kick the habit of being around toxic people but oh my goodness it has been so worth it to hear myself laugh again. I’m talking to new people who like me for being me and don’t ask me to change so I fit their expectations.

‘You’re not really ill’

So today I’m going to talk about something which I deal with everyday. People looking at me and assuming that I’m perfectly healthy. I’ll be honest, some of this comes from my family.

You see I suffer with a chronic chest condition called Bronchiectasis. This condition means that my airways are too wide and let infection in at a really rapid rate and I end up ill. This condition is a nightmare when coupled with asthma, as mine is. Bronchiectasis means that I have a constant cough. Like, I mean all the time. You know that stuff that comes with having a cold or flu? Yeah I have that green stuff on my chest as well, that I cough up at pretty regular intervals. Sounds disgusting right? It is, and annoying and frustrating at the same time. I can’t swallow tablets and struggle with liquid forms of medication, I can be in a bit of pain because I cough so much and because of what lives in my lungs and throat if I eat food which has a strong taste I can still taste it hours later because it really does cling. Wanna know the best bit? There’s no cure for it, and I have to manage it.

The condition can be caused by a number of things such as:

1. Childhood infections like measles,
2. A weakened immune system
3. Aspiration, which is where stomach contents passes into the lungs rather th#n the gastrointestinal tract.
4. Cystic Fibrosis
5. Abnormalities in the hair-like structures in the airways
6. ABPA – Allergic bronchopulmonary aspergillosis. This means that some sufferers have an allergy to fungi called aspergillius which is found in lots of different environments.

So the condition wasn’t something I was born with, when I was fifteen I got a cold and it just never went away. I remember being at school rehearsing for a drama exam and not even being able to get up off the floor because I was coughing so much. Later that day, I went home and was happily chilling when I suddenly just couldn’t breathe properly, it was like I had something stuck in my throat. I ran to the kitchen because I felt really sick and suddenly I was on the floor and my mum was screaming for my dad. I felt so zoned out and it was to this day one of the most scary experiences of my life.

After a visit to the doctor who told me that I simply had a chest infection I collapsed another two times; once at home when I was walking up the stairs and once when I was at school in the middle of a busy corridor. I was shaking and I was pale and my teachers thought that I was having a fit. My parents both rushed home from work and we went to A and E. All the time I was thinking if I breathe I’m gonna collapse again. The doctor gave me a inhaler and told me that my vocal cords were sticking together. Turns out that wasn’t right. Another doctor told me I had asthma etc etc.

Over the course of six years I have been told I have this or that. Been given so many tablets that I rattled and I have seen six consultants – I’ll be on the seventh when I next visit the hospital. I have had blood taken, more chest x-rays than I can count, a CT scan and a bronchoscopy. This is where they sedate you and feed a tube down into your lungs to get a good look at the problem. The stuff at the bottom of my lungs is too deep to get out so I have to go about this in a similar way as a CF sufferer. I have an Acapella device which sends vibrations into my lungs to help me shift the stuff. I do breathing exercises and I have chest physiotherapy every three weeks to help with coughing, breathing and shifting what lives in my lungs. The doctors believe that I have ABPA, so my allergies trigger my condition, there’s not really a way to stop being exposed to this fungi so it is literally a case of managing what goes on.

Six years later and I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I don’t cough at all and I do look relatively normal. Other days I sound like I’m coughing up a fur ball and can end up in the out of hours in the evening because I have worsened over the day. I take medication every day, I still have physiotherapy and have almost come to terms with the fact that I will always have the condition though hopefully it will never get any worse.

What does remain though is that many people don’t understand how bad bronchiectasis can be, I have cried so much and screamed because I don’t understand why it was me that got it but yet some members of my family just assume I’m faking it or dramatising. They don’t see me when I’m really bad and coughing up or collapsing . I guess what I’m trying to say is be kind to people, always. There are so many people suffering with illnesses and conditions and not all of them are visible. Believe me, a little kindness goes a long way.

Harry Potter Studio Tour 2018

Literally this post has taken so long to put up because I have been super super busy but I wanted to put it up because it was such an amazing experience!

So this year my parents, sister and I went to the Warner Bros Studio Tour. We made the drive down there and I think I drove everyone mad by singing for two whole hours ‘I’m going to Hogwarts’. We went in August (so I am super late with this) and The Goblet of Fire exhibit was on which was great because that was one of my fave films.

As I grew up reading the books and watching the films this literally was my dream come true to see the magic behind the magic!

When we arrived I was greeted by the giant chess pieces from The Philosophers Stone, taking me right back to the beginning.

When we entered we passed the cupboard under the stairs where it all began for me, and then we watched a short film before I was met was the sight of the Great Hall doors 😄 insert squeal here! I swear it was amazing, I got to see the house uniforms and the Professors costumes. I also got to see The Goblet of Fire and we were treated to a little demo where a name shot out of the Goblet, I even got my own little slip of parchment with Harry’s name on!

Next, I got to see Dumbledores office and look in the …. I got to stand outside the entrance to his office as well and I felt like a proper student!

I got to see the magic behind the the potions classroom and The Burrow and then I got to go into The Forbidden Forest. I met Aragog – much to my mothers horror, I hadn’t even told her how big the spider would actually be. I met Buckbeak as well who we were all transfixed by.

I also got the chance to have my face put onto WANTED posters and I got to go on a broomstick and fly over landmarks from the films! The highlight was that I got to wear Gryffindor school robes! I brought the photos and they are now framed on my wall. I also got a video of my journey on the broomstick. Worth. Every. Penny.

Cue photo opportunity! We turned the corner and I was met with Platform 9 and 3/4 complete with Hogwarts Express!

After a quick journey on the Hogwarts Express and a lunch we went to 4 Privet Drive via The Knight Bus and stepped across the school bridge into Diagon Alley! Eeeepppp! This is where I got excited because I wanted to stand outside Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes. Fred and George were always my favourites along with Hermione. (RIP Fred 😭).

As I walked along the trail of prosthetics and designs from the series I saw the process for the Hogwarts Castle and if I thought the designs were breathtaking then the model of the castle was beyond words. I literally cried happy tears at this point because I was just so overwhelmed! To see the Castle that had been in the films that made my childhood just…words failed me… that is all I can remember thinking .

The whole experience was just mind blowing and something that I will treasure for life. J.K. Rowling was right when she said that ‘The stories we love best do live in us forever, so whether you come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home,’ and welcome me home Hogwarts did.

What I Need

For me, when I get down, there is nothing better than seeing my best friend. Unfortunately, it’s quite hard to see each other on a regular basis as life gets in the way. With me working in a school and helping direct a school show (Grease) and him  travelling round and doing whatever he does (I do know but I can’t quite wrap my head around football stuff) actually seeing each other is so difficult. Instead we make do with conversations through texts and FaceTimes. That’s okay though because whenever we do get to see each other it’s so worth it.

 

I need your energy,

on a Friday night.

I need your smile,

when mine doesn’t work.

I need your FaceTimes,

late at night,

curled up in bed,

I need your book recommendations,

when I’ve ran out of interesting reading material.

I need your knowing looks,

when we have secret conversations,

that no one else would understand.

I need your company,

when no one else is around.

No words.

Just your arms,

wrapped around me.

I need all of this and more.

 

~What I need today

 

 

Memories

        I wrote this poem a few months ago after an amazing night out. The night out kinda got me thinking about memories and how much I treasure the time that I do get to spend with the people that I love, especially when we don’t get to see each other very often.  I never really realised just how much one day in every two months or so would mean to me. Life really gets in the way sometimes but the memories that I have carry me through when I can’t be with them.

MY HAND IN YOURS

 ENDLESS MESSAGES

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY

WRAPPED IN YOUR ARMS

OUR FIRST KISS

LOVED UP NIGHTS OUT

I NEED YOU

ALWAYS A SMILE ON MY FACE